01. Tide CEO: You Gotta Stop Eating Tide Pods
What? Kids love chocolate.
02. ABC CEO: “No More Racist Shows”
America has spoken, and it wants TV that’s more divisive than ever.
03. Venmo CEO: We’re Fun!
It’s like a hipper, sexier version of the Bank of America app. That’s what kids want, right?
04. MoviePass CEO: PLEASE DON’T CANCEL
All businesses have a growing period! We’re just growing downwards! Impressively fast!
05. Tumblr CEO: No More Porn
Finally, Tumblr’s returning to its family-friendly roots, like BDSM (Buddies Doing Social Media)!
06. JUUL CEO: No More Advertising to Kids
Save up your allowance! Juul is introducing new ways to experience your favorite vape brand.
07. GoFundMe CEO: We Could Use a Few Fun Ones
This wasn’t supposed to be a website that hosts popularity contests where if you lose, you die.
08. Tide CEO: Soap Isn’t Medicine
David Taylor is back, and he still can’t believe this has to be explained.
09. A Message from the Skype CEO
The CEO of Skype is here with a message for all you “loyal” users.
10. Oreo CEO: Stop Making New Oreos
The perfect cookie exists, we can stop now.
11. Hardware Store CEO: We’re Rebranding (for Some Reason)
The owner - I mean, CEO - of Midland Park Hardware is here to disrupt… the nail industry?